This is for the crazy ones, for the desperate, for the shielded, for those who are afraid, for those in need of help...

"You have three walls of protection and one of sarcasm around you. Sometimes you should cut the bullshit!" - the things you said to me in mid autumn craze.

   You never realize how shielded you are until someone points it out to you. Points out how crazy you are in fact and how much you are in need for someone to save you

I told you that I don't know how I got like this. I told you that sometimes I try to say somethings but they will always get stuck at the bottom of my neck. I told you all these stuff and I believed some of them . Until the point you told me that I am full of bullshit. And I believed that this couldn't possible be true because even though I lie to those around me I would never lie to myself. I would never lie about my happiness and I would never lie to myself about my sadness..
 Little did I know that most of all I lied to myself. Because in the process of making the people around me believe my fake feelings I fooled myself included up until the point of a break down.

I was programmed to feel this way. I was programmed to never show my feelings or my thoughts.
You make it sound so easy. "You just have to open yourself, you just have to make yourself vulnerable so that people can connect with you. You just have to open up."
 Opening up, after living in a family where the last thing you can do is open up is impossible to do just with a *click*. Sometimes people can be trained to feel or to act a certain way.
I was trained not to show anything I feel.